Open Letter to Barack Obama
My Cousin is a Really Nice Guy!
Attention President of the United States of America - My cousin does not deserve to be treated like a second class citizen of your country! He lives in Canada, for one thing. The other thing is, he's a really great person!
Sure he tried to take my eye out with a Donald Duck record, almost drowned me in a whirlpool whilst fishing, and reads the instructions on EVERYTHING... but he doesn't need to be harassed and threatened with Quantanamo Bay-style theatrics simply for being alive! Sure he laughed at me when I got a hole in my buttocks from a barbed wire fence, and refuses to make U-Turns even when it's 4am on completely deserted suburban streets, but he didn't do anything to deserve deportation or incarceration! He doesn't even require interrogation nor patronization! He's a complete person, Mr. President! If he were any nicer he'd be Jesus Christ! You wouldn't "crucify" Jesus Christ would you?
This man is practically keeping our economy alive by him self! He recently purchased several new items including a very important video game, several Tim Horton's coffees, and possibly a medium sized boat! My cousin knows how to spend it while he's got it, Barack Obama! Do you really want to remove such a model from our streets? Who would teach his kid to have "FUN" or that the Christmas spirit resides somewhere inside the lit up artificial tree? Would you do that? Would your Homeland Security agents go to the park, or sledding?
The guy grew a beard for crying out loud! Does that make him Public Enemy Number One? Yes, all the bad guys on TV have beards! Yes, beards hide some facial features and appear to make the teeth whiter and more pronounced, possibly turning an innocent smile into a knowing grimace or even an insidious scowl. Yes, it is widely known that all terrorists sport beards... but does that mean My Cousin should be tortured with obnoxious accusations and Radiator Contamination Techniques? NO!
I swear on a stack of cheesedogs that if My Cousin remains free he will watch as many movies starring apes and chimps with his kid as is possible in our society, starting with 'MVP: Most Valuable Primate' followed closely by 'Every Which Way but Loose' and 'Project X'. He will also watch anything with Steve Carrell, and should also see the new release 'Wall-E'. Another good pick is 'Broken Flowers' with Bill Murray, but he should wait until his kid is asleep because this one has brief nudity in it.
In closing, Starbucks Canada head office phoned to say I'm doing a wonderful job. Yes, for real. Phoned all the way from Toronto.
Fantastic!
Attention President of the United States of America - My cousin does not deserve to be treated like a second class citizen of your country! He lives in Canada, for one thing. The other thing is, he's a really great person!
Sure he tried to take my eye out with a Donald Duck record, almost drowned me in a whirlpool whilst fishing, and reads the instructions on EVERYTHING... but he doesn't need to be harassed and threatened with Quantanamo Bay-style theatrics simply for being alive! Sure he laughed at me when I got a hole in my buttocks from a barbed wire fence, and refuses to make U-Turns even when it's 4am on completely deserted suburban streets, but he didn't do anything to deserve deportation or incarceration! He doesn't even require interrogation nor patronization! He's a complete person, Mr. President! If he were any nicer he'd be Jesus Christ! You wouldn't "crucify" Jesus Christ would you?
This man is practically keeping our economy alive by him self! He recently purchased several new items including a very important video game, several Tim Horton's coffees, and possibly a medium sized boat! My cousin knows how to spend it while he's got it, Barack Obama! Do you really want to remove such a model from our streets? Who would teach his kid to have "FUN" or that the Christmas spirit resides somewhere inside the lit up artificial tree? Would you do that? Would your Homeland Security agents go to the park, or sledding?
The guy grew a beard for crying out loud! Does that make him Public Enemy Number One? Yes, all the bad guys on TV have beards! Yes, beards hide some facial features and appear to make the teeth whiter and more pronounced, possibly turning an innocent smile into a knowing grimace or even an insidious scowl. Yes, it is widely known that all terrorists sport beards... but does that mean My Cousin should be tortured with obnoxious accusations and Radiator Contamination Techniques? NO!
I swear on a stack of cheesedogs that if My Cousin remains free he will watch as many movies starring apes and chimps with his kid as is possible in our society, starting with 'MVP: Most Valuable Primate' followed closely by 'Every Which Way but Loose' and 'Project X'. He will also watch anything with Steve Carrell, and should also see the new release 'Wall-E'. Another good pick is 'Broken Flowers' with Bill Murray, but he should wait until his kid is asleep because this one has brief nudity in it.
In closing, Starbucks Canada head office phoned to say I'm doing a wonderful job. Yes, for real. Phoned all the way from Toronto.
Fantastic!
