Love.
The White Elephant.
Wow. Life is full of paradoxes. No denying it. I mean, you can try denying it - good luck. I've tried that. It's fun for awhile, but it gets expensive. And the messes take longer and longer to clean up. And people actually start verbalizing their real opinions if you go too far. People will actually tell you that you stink if you don't grow up sooner or later. They'll call you stinky pants, and they'll start avoiding your phone calls. But hey, if you spend all your time in denial you probably don't make a lot of phonecalls anyway so it won't be that big of deal, I guess.
Today went by so fast I missed the play. I almost feel like crying because of that.
Life is full of paradoxes. I've got to admit that for the first time in my conscious adult life I've realized - and accepted - this fact without rebelling against it. There is, in fact, a war going on at all times. It does, whether we like it or not, involve us at every turn. One can try to ignore this truth and miss out on half of what life has to offer, go around in denial and distraction at all times, or one can try to choose sides and again miss half of it, end up winning half of the battles - or you know, you could just experience it objectively, in a detached way, and have your mind blown on a daily basis by how intense and unfathomable the human experience really is.
So I'm in love right? And I'm writing, yes? I have the music in my blood, and (once again) a choice between two fantastic hats. (A good hat it like an exclamation point on ones' head.) I have access to a whole universe of great books and great film and - yet I'm tormented by boredom and a sense of missing out. I'm renting a beautiful room in a great neighborhood in a beautiful city with the woman of my dreams and - I'm miserable. You see? I've got no place to be 'on time' to and nobody telling me what to do, and I get to sleep in until any time I want and cook like a king and eat a whole pan of brownies (because another delicious pan appears magically when I finish it) and - I'm freaking out about getting ahead. I'm meditating two hours a day beside, and lounging all day within twenty feet of, the woman I want to be with night and day for the rest of our natural lives and I'm beating my brains out because I want - more 'us' time! You get it! You see!
This is the greatest time in my life, and I can't fucking stand it! This moment is HUGE!!! This moment contains heaven and hell!!! This moment has within it everything I ever wanted, as well as everything I didn't. You want some more? You can't handle any more!!! If you take more you'll just want more and you'll want more and you'll want more! So take some more you fucking spaz!
I can handle this. I'll take more of this. Yes, I'll have another brownie!
So yeah. Life is full of paradoxes. I never would've guessed that being this freaking happy would make me so crazy, but it does. Now I can safely say I get it. So I'm going to go to bed and hug Louise because she's really miserable right now, and I'm going to try to calm her down a little bit because in a short few hours it'll be my turn to get emotional and difficult again because that's the way it's been going and that's okay. And then, after a few times of this back and forth, our bodies will quit and our minds will dismantle themselves and we'll never be able to experience anything again. We'll be dead. And that's okay too.
Great Stuff. I Love Paradoxes.
Wow. Life is full of paradoxes. No denying it. I mean, you can try denying it - good luck. I've tried that. It's fun for awhile, but it gets expensive. And the messes take longer and longer to clean up. And people actually start verbalizing their real opinions if you go too far. People will actually tell you that you stink if you don't grow up sooner or later. They'll call you stinky pants, and they'll start avoiding your phone calls. But hey, if you spend all your time in denial you probably don't make a lot of phonecalls anyway so it won't be that big of deal, I guess.
Today went by so fast I missed the play. I almost feel like crying because of that.
Life is full of paradoxes. I've got to admit that for the first time in my conscious adult life I've realized - and accepted - this fact without rebelling against it. There is, in fact, a war going on at all times. It does, whether we like it or not, involve us at every turn. One can try to ignore this truth and miss out on half of what life has to offer, go around in denial and distraction at all times, or one can try to choose sides and again miss half of it, end up winning half of the battles - or you know, you could just experience it objectively, in a detached way, and have your mind blown on a daily basis by how intense and unfathomable the human experience really is.
So I'm in love right? And I'm writing, yes? I have the music in my blood, and (once again) a choice between two fantastic hats. (A good hat it like an exclamation point on ones' head.) I have access to a whole universe of great books and great film and - yet I'm tormented by boredom and a sense of missing out. I'm renting a beautiful room in a great neighborhood in a beautiful city with the woman of my dreams and - I'm miserable. You see? I've got no place to be 'on time' to and nobody telling me what to do, and I get to sleep in until any time I want and cook like a king and eat a whole pan of brownies (because another delicious pan appears magically when I finish it) and - I'm freaking out about getting ahead. I'm meditating two hours a day beside, and lounging all day within twenty feet of, the woman I want to be with night and day for the rest of our natural lives and I'm beating my brains out because I want - more 'us' time! You get it! You see!
This is the greatest time in my life, and I can't fucking stand it! This moment is HUGE!!! This moment contains heaven and hell!!! This moment has within it everything I ever wanted, as well as everything I didn't. You want some more? You can't handle any more!!! If you take more you'll just want more and you'll want more and you'll want more! So take some more you fucking spaz!
I can handle this. I'll take more of this. Yes, I'll have another brownie!
So yeah. Life is full of paradoxes. I never would've guessed that being this freaking happy would make me so crazy, but it does. Now I can safely say I get it. So I'm going to go to bed and hug Louise because she's really miserable right now, and I'm going to try to calm her down a little bit because in a short few hours it'll be my turn to get emotional and difficult again because that's the way it's been going and that's okay. And then, after a few times of this back and forth, our bodies will quit and our minds will dismantle themselves and we'll never be able to experience anything again. We'll be dead. And that's okay too.
Great Stuff. I Love Paradoxes.
